What’s up dickholes? Remember that time ROBBLE FINISHED CULINARY SCHOOL? Oh yeah, that was today. In celebration, I’m bringing recipes (and sexy) back. Hit it JT!
“Robble, I’m trying to impress Blahblahblah, but I’m too cheap to actually spend money on anything nice, because car parts. What should I do?” Here’s a fucking thought: try making some food yourself. “But Robble, I really don’t know what to make…”How about some mother fucking tacos. Bitches love tacos. Bros love tacos too. Everyone fucking loves tacos. But I’m not talking about making some pussy ass ground beef here, I’m talking about something that’s an actual cut of meat and not ground up shenanigans. We’re talkin’
ROASTED PORK TACOS
with refried black beans, pickled red onion, bacon, and salsa verde
What you’re gonna need to buy at the grocery store:
Pork tenderloin or pork loin filet (I don’t give a shit which you choose, they’re cooked the same)
6+ garlic cloves
3 vine ripened tomatoes, or equivalent in cherry tomatoes. Basically just tomatoes
Package of bacon
White or yellow onion
1 TBS Sugar
1 cup water
½ cup Apple cider vinegar
Large can of black beans
Beer, preferably Mexican, preferably Pacifico
What you’re gonna have to do with the list of shit I gave you to buy:
First, watch this video:
Put a skillet on the stove, preferably cast iron, but I really give zero shits what you use. Coat it in a super tiny bit of oil, and heat it over medium heat. Trim the chewy white grossness off of the pork tenderloin/ loin filet. You’ll need a sharp knife to make this easy, which I’m 107% sure you don’t have. Good luck with your dull garbage knives. After you’ve trimmed the meat, grate the zest of two limes onto it with a microplane, as well as two cloves of garlic.
“Robble, what’s a microplane/why do I need it?” In peasant terms, it’s a super fine grater, and you need to buy one. Now. But really, it makes everything a million years easier. Get back to the fucking kitchen!
Rub the zest and garlic all over the meat. Really rub it out. Add an ass ton of salt, some pepper, a generous sprinkle of oregano, cumin, and chile powder, and rub it all over some more. Have that person you’re trying to impress watch you while you rub it. At this point, the skillet you put on the stove should be smoking slightly. Put the meat on that skillet. And let it get a sexy, crusty golden crust. Flip that shit over and repeat on the other side. After that’s been crustified as well, put it in a baking dish, set aside, and preheat the oven to 450.
Now, you’re gonna make a good taco into a bomb.com taco by pickling some red onion. “But Robble, I don’t like onions or pickles, do I really need to?” YES. It’s fast and easy and makes a meh taco 100000000x better. Combine the cup of water with the apple cider vinegar, add the sugar, and 1.5 tsp salt. Stir that shit together. Slice up about half of a red onion SUPERFUCKINGTHIN and add it to the vinegar solutionyness. Refrigerate for at least 30 minutes before using. The longer these sit, the more deliciousness they soak up.
Remember that piece of pork we put in the baking dish? You do? Good, because now were going to add crap to it. Remove the husk from the tomatillos, quarter them (cut them into quarters…morons), add to the baking dish. Do the same with the tomatoes. If you’re using cherry tomatoes, or similar, leave them whole. Throw that shit into the dish as well. Roughly chop two of your jalapenos. If you like shit spicy, leave the seeds and membrane in. If you’re a wimp, cut ‘em off. For some reason, the jalapenos in Texas are pure fire compared to their dainty little counterparts in California, so I take mine out of one and leave the other in. Do you like garlic? You do now. Peel 4-5 cloves and toss that shit into the baking dish. Squeeze the juice of one of the limes onto the sweet, sweet contents of the dish, and bake until the internal temperature of the pork reaches 145 (around 15 to 20 minutes).
“Robble, I see that there’s a package of bacon on this ingredient list. When are we using it? Because I like bacon a lot.” I like bacon a lot too. So savagely rip open that package with your teeth, chop that shit up, and cook it until it’s crispy and delicious. I shouldn’t need to tell you how to cook bacon. Remove your crispy bits of heaven, but save half a cup of that greasy goodness in the pan, keeping the pan off of the heat. Dice up a jalapeno and toss it on into the still-hot bacon grease, along with three minced (microplaned) garlic cloves. Drain and rinse your black beans, and introduce them to their bacony, garlicy, spicy friends in the pan. Turn that flame on and warm dem beans up. When they’re good and hot, hulk smash the shit out of them, adding salt, pepper, cumin, and lime juice until you’re satisfied with the way they taste. Hulk smash ‘em more, just because you can, and keep warm until it’s time to eat.
By this time, the oven timer should have dinged, indicating that the slab o’ meat is cooked through. Remove the meat from the pan and LET IT REST FOR A MINIMUM OF 15 MINUTES. I see you, trying to slice off a teeny tiny piece to snack on. Don’t do it. It’s not okay, and the cool kids aren’t doing it either. Grab yo’ blenda and spoon the remaining roasted shit into it. Add a squeeze of lime, salt, cumin, another chopped jalapeno, the entire bunch of cilantro (sans stems) and half of an onion. Blend it on up until it looks like salsa. Congrats! You’ve made salsa. Cool it in the refrigerator until dinner time.
Thinly slice some cabbage and your pork, and get ready to assemble your taco masterpieces.
Slap beans on it
Top beans with cotija
Frisbee toss tortillas on the plate too
Shingle meat onto tortillas
Throw pickled onions and cabbage at them
Plop salsa verde on top
Rain some cheese on that bitch
Squeeze o’ lime
Daintily sprinkle bacon crumbles over everything
Pound a beer
Did you impress that person with your cooking skills? Thought so.